When I was growing up I was never told I was gifted by my parents or teachers, so I find it hard to believe. I was considered naturally artistic however, which I now feel little passion for and I hold little belief in (maybe the result of some kind of drawn out existential despair; I’ve just lost the sense of belief I once had in Art; my passion has gone).

I have not had an IQ test, and I do not think that such a test would reflect giftedness as I avoided school. I was bullied up to a certain stage and generally did not feel like I fitted in. I fought back by trying to be popular, and accepted. I tried too hard. I was not at all interested in school, just forming relationships and looking attractive to all the boys. Anyway I eventually channeled my energies into Art, just Art, when I was 16 and in no particular order (I’m still trying to work this out) I got into drugs, chronic depression, suicide attempts, isolation, promiscuity, eating disorders and low self esteem. Anyway, after some bad experiences I pulled my self around at the last minute and excelled with graded distinctions. I then went to university at 18.

So I think the measures on IQ test’s, if I were to take them would not be accurate upon the basis that I did not study Math or Science or have a keen interest. I was more socially orientated, due to what ever reason, and gravitated towards the Arts; though I pursued Art perhaps indoctrinated by my parents for its political/philosophical/liberal bent. I never pursued other subjects, perhaps being female didn’t help, along with being in a deprived area where one had to fit in to survive, so to speak: having parents who were not very supportive in the sense that they considered me and my siblings intelligent and artistic (we were capable of getting on with things independently of them (my parents had trust in the process ad hoc because they considered us well adjusted); having parents who had Humanities/Arts bias over the Sciences/Sports (our talents apparently, just weren’t in math/science/sport).

So I acknowledge that it seemed like me when I first saw a set of ‘gifted traits’. A friend I made (a social worker) had told me she thought I was highly intelligent which came as quite a shock and a delight and led me to look it up (as I respected her as a late 40 something professional social worker (experienced dealing with many different people), and Hungarian (I like the Hungarians. They are all nice people. I have met 6 of them . But maybe I was just more susceptible to considering this social worker friend’s comment seriously because I was more in need of a compliment like that, for self growth at the time? In other words I think perhaps I have deluded myself, but how can I ascertain this?

The only ‘proof’ I consider there to be that I am ‘bright’ is that I am enrolled on an Anthropology degree despite having no A-levels in relevant subjects. However, I am now considering dropping out. At first I blamed myself, and thought that my failings with writing good essays were due to being unintelligent and not having the skills base that most university students have by the time they start the first semester (I am now turning 24). I think this is partly true (don’t have the skills/practice), but I also think that I was finding Anthropology as a discipline particularly problematic as a field of study as I felt that it was inherently unethical amongst other ‘theoretical issues’: but maybe this is all the result of some sort of rationalization of learned helplessness! I do think though that I just don’t get Anthropology and its premiss of studying ‘Culture’ for an understanding of human organization and behavior. As what does empiricism mean exactly? I understand that to an extent one can describe culture, but to ‘understand’ and so theorize and hypothesize on the basis of representations, the ‘concept of reflexivity’ and ‘self knowledge’? What’s more I don’t understand how ‘research’ essay’s can be dismissed on the basis of having included cognitive science/psychological studies/philosophical reasoning and ethnographic examples and extrapolations on the grounds of being too abstract as though less valid. Perhaps I have made an awful mistake and I should just grin, and bare it, but I have a problem learning something that I consider intellectually and morally dishonest.

I have been to university twice now, the first degree I began was Fine Art. As I have mentioned I quit my first degree when I was 18 because I had developed an eating disorder, felt isolated, was depressed, struggling with the meaning of Art, my abilities, and past experiences etc.

So apart from not knowing whether I am really gifted, I wonder whether I am mentally and socially disabled by difficult experiences and loosing my passion because of this particular inner focus I have and utter turmoil I feel inside.

Oh dear, this looks like a longish but way too short diatribe against myself; messiness on a page (plus its on the internet). Basically I don’t know what to believe in any more. I don’t know where to begin. I know I don’t fit in and things don’t last. I am looking for meaning in life but I am failing to find it. All of this I find particularly sad because I have lost my belief in life, without being outwardly depressed at all, I just don’t feel passionate about anything anymore, I don’t particularly believe in anything and I have become quite cynical of humanities goodness. I want to change this outlook.