Comments on: Gifted and exiled: acceptance benefits all http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/ For and by gifted, talented and creative adults. Sat, 21 Jan 2012 23:56:29 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Erin http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-1053 Erin Tue, 01 Feb 2011 16:36:38 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-1053 I love this post. I was on a web forum for Indigo adults, with whom gifted people share much in common (or perhaps they identify as Indigos) and I read a very good analogy for this experience. We are not the sheep. We will never be one of the flock. We will never fit in nor be accepted as one of them. The sheep recognize that we are different and we make them very uneasy. In truth, we're the sheepdogs. We lead, we direct, we see dangers that the sheep do not, we think outside the box, we're brave, we defend the weak, and we snap at heels to keep the flock safe. We're very good at what we do, but it's a lonely existence. We're a whole 'nother specie. And the sheep outnumber us many times over and their bleating can drown us out at times. We learn to sort of get along with them, but we never really...fit in. Which is just as well because we feel like disingenuous idiots whenever we try. So much better to just accept our true nature. I love this post. I was on a web forum for Indigo adults, with whom gifted people share much in common (or perhaps they identify as Indigos) and I read a very good analogy for this experience. We are not the sheep. We will never be one of the flock. We will never fit in nor be accepted as one of them. The sheep recognize that we are different and we make them very uneasy. In truth, we’re the sheepdogs. We lead, we direct, we see dangers that the sheep do not, we think outside the box, we’re brave, we defend the weak, and we snap at heels to keep the flock safe. We’re very good at what we do, but it’s a lonely existence. We’re a whole ‘nother specie. And the sheep outnumber us many times over and their bleating can drown us out at times. We learn to sort of get along with them, but we never really…fit in. Which is just as well because we feel like disingenuous idiots whenever we try. So much better to just accept our true nature.

]]> By: Leslie http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-1042 Leslie Mon, 06 Dec 2010 06:44:55 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-1042 Thank you for posting this. In fact, thank you for sharing this blog, period! It is truly comforting to know that I don't have to be the "only" one sharing the same type of life; always searching, yet never quite finding answers I have long been wondering about. Until very recently, I didn't know where to start looking. In fact, I have grown accustomed to telling people "I used to be gifted, I don't know what happened" and laughing along with them at my joke. I actually assumed that due to the variety of ways I have made a mess of my life I was no longer gifted, because most of the other people I was in gifted education with in elementary and junior high school were successful college graduates and I was still spinning my wheels. It is a joy to find a place where I belong, now that I have realized being gifted is just as much a part of me as being short or having brown eyes. Once again, thank you so much for sharing! "It's never too late to be what you might have been." ~George Eliot Thank you for posting this. In fact, thank you for sharing this blog, period! It is truly comforting to know that I don’t have to be the “only” one sharing the same type of life; always searching, yet never quite finding answers I have long been wondering about. Until very recently, I didn’t know where to start looking. In fact, I have grown accustomed to telling people “I used to be gifted, I don’t know what happened” and laughing along with them at my joke. I actually assumed that due to the variety of ways I have made a mess of my life I was no longer gifted, because most of the other people I was in gifted education with in elementary and junior high school were successful college graduates and I was still spinning my wheels. It is a joy to find a place where I belong, now that I have realized being gifted is just as much a part of me as being short or having brown eyes. Once again, thank you so much for sharing!
“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” ~George Eliot

]]> By: Anonymous http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-724 Anonymous Sun, 18 Jul 2010 01:13:30 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-724 Not ducks and swans, ducks and geese. (There's a flock of four dozen 30-lb. Giant Canada Geese where I work... they have right-of-way crossing the street, don't take any guff from people or foxes that might bother them and produce a good amount of goose poop. Geese are a better metaphor than Swan versus the ducks, believe me. I don't care what Streznewski or Mary Ellen Jacobsen say.) Not ducks and swans, ducks and geese. (There’s a flock of four dozen 30-lb. Giant Canada Geese where I work… they have right-of-way crossing the street, don’t take any guff from people or foxes that might bother them and produce a good amount of goose poop. Geese are a better metaphor than Swan versus the ducks, believe me. I don’t care what Streznewski or Mary Ellen Jacobsen say.)

]]> By: janet weight reed http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-707 janet weight reed Tue, 13 Jul 2010 17:46:08 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-707 Beautifully written and expressed. At 64, I am at last comfortable and accepting of who I am. The old negative messages don't reach me anymore, freeing me up to live the life I have always dreampt of. Beautifully written and expressed.

At 64, I am at last comfortable and accepting of who I am. The old negative messages don’t reach me anymore, freeing me up to live the life I have always dreampt of.

]]> By: Christopher J. Coulson http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-663 Christopher J. Coulson Mon, 05 Jul 2010 12:27:16 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-663 Yes indeed, KC. Gifted individuals do seem to experience 'minor' rejections much more profoundly than most others. Thank you for your sensitive and thoughtful contribution here and for the story of your own experiences. I have read Storr's book and enjoyed it tremendously. Thanks for the reminder. C Yes indeed, KC. Gifted individuals do seem to experience ‘minor’ rejections much more profoundly than most others. Thank you for your sensitive and thoughtful contribution here and for the story of your own experiences.

I have read Storr’s book and enjoyed it tremendously. Thanks for the reminder. C

]]> By: Raising Smart Girls http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-659 Raising Smart Girls Sun, 04 Jul 2010 16:33:49 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-659 Christopher, Many times I've felt the sting of rejection and disconnection too. I find that it was always my immediate (dysfunctional - oppressive and abusive) family members that were the worst offenders, and the ones that judged me fiercely and damaged me the most. Yet, paradoxically enough, the more I was criticized, the more determined I was to persist at keeping connected to them, despite the fact that many times my fealty was rewarded with derision. I never blamed my family. I always assumed it was me. I have only recently learned (through an ongoing therapeutic journey I'd begun last year with a trusted internet friend and that now includes formal therapy with a compassionate therapist well-versed in attachment theory and mindfulness) that it was these early family experiences that shaped my identity and riddled my psyche with anxieties that I could never quite dispel, and those anxieties (and the subsequent defense mechanisms created in an effort to keep them at bay) have carried over into every subsequent friendship I ever attempted to make. Thanks for addressing this difficult topic of isolation in the gifted individual. I think not only is it that much more difficult to make the connections in the first place, we feel the rejections MUCH more profoundly that ordinary human beings. I think others just don't let it bother them so much and they move on to their next target. Their ability to mindlessly prattle on about nothing make it easy for them to fit in with the vast majority of others like them. And, after enough rejections, it does become increasingly difficult to keep making the attempts at reaching out. But, as you can see, you have made an impact, here, in the ether, at reaching out and impacting others. I'm glad to see the great responses. You are clearly an encouragement to others. I think you might appreciate this book: Solitude: A Return to the Self, by Anthony Storr. You can read most of it on google books. It's rather illuminating, the role of solitude in creative individuals. Christopher,

Many times I’ve felt the sting of rejection and disconnection too. I find that it was always my immediate (dysfunctional – oppressive and abusive) family members that were the worst offenders, and the ones that judged me fiercely and damaged me the most. Yet, paradoxically enough, the more I was criticized, the more determined I was to persist at keeping connected to them, despite the fact that many times my fealty was rewarded with derision.

I never blamed my family. I always assumed it was me. I have only recently learned (through an ongoing therapeutic journey I’d begun last year with a trusted internet friend and that now includes formal therapy with a compassionate therapist well-versed in attachment theory and mindfulness) that it was these early family experiences that shaped my identity and riddled my psyche with anxieties that I could never quite dispel, and those anxieties (and the subsequent defense mechanisms created in an effort to keep them at bay) have carried over into every subsequent friendship I ever attempted to make.

Thanks for addressing this difficult topic of isolation in the gifted individual. I think not only is it that much more difficult to make the connections in the first place, we feel the rejections MUCH more profoundly that ordinary human beings. I think others just don’t let it bother them so much and they move on to their next target. Their ability to mindlessly prattle on about nothing make it easy for them to fit in with the vast majority of others like them.

And, after enough rejections, it does become increasingly difficult to keep making the attempts at reaching out. But, as you can see, you have made an impact, here, in the ether, at reaching out and impacting others. I’m glad to see the great responses. You are clearly an encouragement to others.

I think you might appreciate this book:

Solitude: A Return to the Self, by Anthony Storr. You can read most of it on google books. It’s rather illuminating, the role of solitude in creative individuals.

]]> By: Valentina http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-560 Valentina Mon, 07 Jun 2010 11:45:58 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-560 Loved this post. What a coincidence: I was thinking about this theme last night, and this morning I read this. I have spent a great chunk of my life trying to fit in - or at least to look like I did - sort of as Donna did, in a 'spy' manner. The truth is I never very much cared to fit in: I had a great time being by myself, I loved painting, and I loved reading, or sometimes just thinking, and I was happy like that. Going to a bar or doing more 'normal' activities for girls my age would have been painfully boring for me. I loved science so much I surpassed even much older students by far, and won prizes. However, during my adolescence, a family member I lived with kept blaming me for everything that went wrong. Including problems in my family, or the fact that I had very few friends. He was extremely good at making me feel inadequate, guilty and shameful of myself, for no reason at all. It built up so much that at some point I was drowned in a sense of guilt and shame that was unbearable. I decided I had to change myself radically in order to 'fit in' and not be such a 'horrible' person. And so I did. I stopped studying, and doing the things I loved. Instead I started doing the things that were 'normal' for girls my age: shopping, going out on superficial hang outs, superficial dating. I became everything I hated and despised. I became the kind of person I would never have wanted to meet or deal with before. And without the things I loved, without the things I was passionate about, I started to feel empty, so empty that I had to turn somewhere to find a reason to go on. And I started to do drugs. One day I met someone who was utterly honest and sharp: this person was like looking myself at a mirror that could expose your deepest feelings and most hidden fears. He was also gifted. I hated what I saw and was disgusted with myself: I realized the mistake I had made. I tried to revert things, but a lot of damage was done that was irreversible. For example, the full scholarship I was granted in college was re-voked because I wasn't studying anymore. I had lost my true friends, the only people who were supportive of me while I was me. And I had made tons of friends who were people who I couldn't care less for, and who had only superficial interests in me. I had to clean up everything, and it took me years. I still today feel the weight of that mistake, but I learned a lesson: nothing is worth as much as being free to be yourself. Not social acceptance, not having friends or a family, not having a good job or a lot of money. It took me a long time but I was able to re-establish who I was, and to get back on my own track: some things were lost forever though. So I tried to pass on what I have learned to as many people I could, who were in a similar situation. I hope at least for that, it served something. Loved this post. What a coincidence: I was thinking about this theme last night, and this morning I read this. I have spent a great chunk of my life trying to fit in – or at least to look like I did – sort of as Donna did, in a ‘spy’ manner. The truth is I never very much cared to fit in: I had a great time being by myself, I loved painting, and I loved reading, or sometimes just thinking, and I was happy like that. Going to a bar or doing more ‘normal’ activities for girls my age would have been painfully boring for me. I loved science so much I surpassed even much older students by far, and won prizes.

However, during my adolescence, a family member I lived with kept blaming me for everything that went wrong. Including problems in my family, or the fact that I had very few friends. He was extremely good at making me feel inadequate, guilty and shameful of myself, for no reason at all. It built up so much that at some point I was drowned in a sense of guilt and shame that was unbearable. I decided I had to change myself radically in order to ‘fit in’ and not be such a ‘horrible’ person. And so I did. I stopped studying, and doing the things I loved. Instead I started doing the things that were ‘normal’ for girls my age: shopping, going out on superficial hang outs, superficial dating. I became everything I hated and despised. I became the kind of person I would never have wanted to meet or deal with before. And without the things I loved, without the things I was passionate about, I started to feel empty, so empty that I had to turn somewhere to find a reason to go on. And I started to do drugs.

One day I met someone who was utterly honest and sharp: this person was like looking myself at a mirror that could expose your deepest feelings and most hidden fears. He was also gifted. I hated what I saw and was disgusted with myself: I realized the mistake I had made.

I tried to revert things, but a lot of damage was done that was irreversible. For example, the full scholarship I was granted in college was re-voked because I wasn’t studying anymore. I had lost my true friends, the only people who were supportive of me while I was me. And I had made tons of friends who were people who I couldn’t care less for, and who had only superficial interests in me.

I had to clean up everything, and it took me years. I still today feel the weight of that mistake, but I learned a lesson: nothing is worth as much as being free to be yourself. Not social acceptance, not having friends or a family, not having a good job or a lot of money.

It took me a long time but I was able to re-establish who I was, and to get back on my own track: some things were lost forever though.

So I tried to pass on what I have learned to as many people I could, who were in a similar situation. I hope at least for that, it served something.

]]> By: Kirsten Dierolf http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-558 Kirsten Dierolf Mon, 07 Jun 2010 09:51:15 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-558 Hi Christopher, thank you for your post! I know the feeling -- and in a way, I think I've dealt with "not naturally belonging" by trying to figure out how this can be done, to belong and still let my own colors fly and I was (and am) very grateful for your coaching while doing some of that work. So, maybe, ... next time ... you feel like "aaa it's just old me and my thoughts, why bother writing them down" ... just maybe you can think of us out here who really enjoy reading them, BECAUSE they are by you. Words by someone who proclaimed to be "one with the right to pontificate" would probably be very boring to most of your readers :-) and definitely to me. On a content level, I'm currently interested in my conflicting feelings of: "ok, this is important, I need to find a way to say this sensibly, it will help many people if they come to understand a way of change that is based in interactional / discursive philosophy" and "what the *adskfjadjfaödf* I'm not mother Teresa, this is too *ldkfja* strenuous, if they want nonsense and difficult change, I might as well leave them to it" ... I'm transforming it into asking myself: "How can I do what I really want and what I really think is important and take care of myself at the same time? And how would I notice when I am there?" -- so far I'm at asking myself the question, answers will arrive some day, I guess :-) Hugs and thanks for posting this, Kirsten Hi Christopher,

thank you for your post! I know the feeling — and in a way, I think I’ve dealt with “not naturally belonging” by trying to figure out how this can be done, to belong and still let my own colors fly and I was (and am) very grateful for your coaching while doing some of that work.
So, maybe, … next time … you feel like “aaa it’s just old me and my thoughts, why bother writing them down” … just maybe you can think of us out here who really enjoy reading them, BECAUSE they are by you. Words by someone who proclaimed to be “one with the right to pontificate” would probably be very boring to most of your readers :-) and definitely to me.
On a content level, I’m currently interested in my conflicting feelings of: “ok, this is important, I need to find a way to say this sensibly, it will help many people if they come to understand a way of change that is based in interactional / discursive philosophy” and “what the *adskfjadjfaödf* I’m not mother Teresa, this is too *ldkfja* strenuous, if they want nonsense and difficult change, I might as well leave them to it” … I’m transforming it into asking myself: “How can I do what I really want and what I really think is important and take care of myself at the same time? And how would I notice when I am there?” — so far I’m at asking myself the question, answers will arrive some day, I guess :-)
Hugs and thanks for posting this,
Kirsten

]]> By: Cindy H. http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-554 Cindy H. Sun, 06 Jun 2010 09:18:51 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-554 Hi Christopher: Welcome to the swannery with the rest of us gifted renegade swans. At 53, I have just now found out I qualified for Mensa already at the age of 18. Nor did I realize that a high IQ included a spectrum of personality quirks and idiosyncrasies that I had held against myself making me feel like the proverbial odd duck and a flawed one at that. No wonder my quack never sounded authentic as quacking was not my natural voice. The cold and silent reactions from some friends who I told about my new qualification have left me wary who I share my good news with in the future. While I may be happy for friends when good things happen to them it doesn't guarantee they will reciprocate when I have good news. Loving-kindness is not necessarily a two-way street. Alas, while loneliness squeezes in even more than in my awkward childhood, I can brush shoulders with others of my kind here as well as looking forward to Mensa acceptance when I am able to obtain the necessary certified paperwork. Its said that when the chips are down you find out who your real friends are. It seems the opposite is true as well, when ones chips are up, jealousy and resent can rear their ugly yet revealing head(s). Yet here is some food for thought. Don't those of us from the swannery have more resources to deal with the rejection and other negative reactions coming from the "others". Their behavior is sad and actually self-defeating. We have a vision and means of seeing that could benefit those who point their finger and shun us. So in the long run their behavior is not very sell serving is it. Upon learning about giftedness and much of socieity's sad reaction to it, I was reminded of certain lines of Don McLean's song "Vincent" from the 70's: And now I think I know what you tried to say to me how you suffered for your sanity how you tried to set them free. They would not listen they're not list'ning still perhaps they never will. At least we have each other to talk to in worthwhile swanneries like here so we don't have to suffer in utter silence. Thank you for a great and welcome swan pond Christopher! Take care! Hi Christopher:
Welcome to the swannery with the rest of us gifted renegade swans. At 53, I have just now found out I qualified for Mensa already at the age of 18. Nor did I realize that a high IQ included a spectrum of personality quirks and idiosyncrasies that I had held against myself making me feel like the proverbial odd duck and a flawed one at that. No wonder my quack never sounded authentic as quacking was not my natural voice.
The cold and silent reactions from some friends who I told about my new qualification have left me wary who I share my good news with in the future. While I may be happy for friends when good things happen to them it doesn’t guarantee they will reciprocate when I have good news. Loving-kindness is not necessarily a two-way street. Alas, while loneliness squeezes in even more than in my awkward childhood, I can brush shoulders with others of my kind here as well as looking forward to Mensa acceptance when I am able to obtain the necessary certified paperwork.
Its said that when the chips are down you find out who your real friends are. It seems the opposite is true as well, when ones chips are up, jealousy and resent can rear their ugly yet revealing head(s).
Yet here is some food for thought. Don’t those of us from the swannery have more resources to deal with the rejection and other negative reactions coming from the “others”. Their behavior is sad and actually self-defeating. We have a vision and means of seeing that could benefit those who point their finger and shun us. So in the long run their behavior is not very sell serving is it. Upon learning about giftedness and much of socieity’s sad reaction to it, I was reminded of certain lines of Don McLean’s song “Vincent” from the 70′s:

And now I think I know what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they’re not
list’ning still
perhaps they never will.

At least we have each other to talk to in worthwhile swanneries like here so we don’t have to suffer in utter silence. Thank you for a great and welcome swan pond Christopher! Take care!

]]> By: Donna http://www.thegiftedway.com/personaldevelopment/gifted-and-exiled-acceptance-benefits-all/comment-page-1/#comment-553 Donna Sat, 05 Jun 2010 20:04:48 +0000 http://www.thegiftedway.com/?p=1170#comment-553 Well said, Christopher. Josephine, I love your post. I spend so much time worrying about whether or not I'm being useful, whether my use of air and light and space is justified, and it's so convincing, that voice. It's much better to be true to myself, listen to my own voice, stop trying to guess what the world needs of me. Reminds me of the title of a book I read a long time ago, "Don't push the river, it flows by itself." I used to hide my difference as much as possible and felt alien and conspicuous. Gradually I've learned not to hide. Although I still feel alien and conspicuous, I don't mind it so much. I work in a job I am utterly unsuited for (it's actually the worst job I've ever had, and that's saying something), but the people I work with are mostly decent and always interesting, even when my bumper stickers clash with theirs. I'm a spy, seeing inside worlds I have no business being in and no aptitude for. Though I complain, there must be something in it for me, or i wouldn't be there. I probably put myself in situations like this because I grew up as an outsider. So much of what "everyone" knows is a mystery to me. I'm greedy for inside information. Well said, Christopher. Josephine, I love your post. I spend so much time worrying about whether or not I’m being useful, whether my use of air and light and space is justified, and it’s so convincing, that voice. It’s much better to be true to myself, listen to my own voice, stop trying to guess what the world needs of me. Reminds me of the title of a book I read a long time ago, “Don’t push the river, it flows by itself.”
I used to hide my difference as much as possible and felt alien and conspicuous. Gradually I’ve learned not to hide. Although I still feel alien and conspicuous, I don’t mind it so much.
I work in a job I am utterly unsuited for (it’s actually the worst job I’ve ever had, and that’s saying something), but the people I work with are mostly decent and always interesting, even when my bumper stickers clash with theirs. I’m a spy, seeing inside worlds I have no business being in and no aptitude for. Though I complain, there must be something in it for me, or i wouldn’t be there.
I probably put myself in situations like this because I grew up as an outsider. So much of what “everyone” knows is a mystery to me. I’m greedy for inside information.

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